Friday, March 12, 2010

Immersion Therapy: Part I

And by immersion therapy, I mean my own, not your immersion in the length of these posts! My! This is Part 1, with more to come...

**************

My parents are both trained classical musicians, my mother with a master's and my father a doctorate. I grew up surrounded by music, classical music: symphonies, operas, orchestral pieces, sacred choral works. Some of my earliest (and favorite) musical memories are playing on the floor next to my mom as she practiced the organ; later I would be her page turner. Another favorite childhood memory is lying in my bed at night while my parents practiced for a piano recital in the next room -- duets, two pianos, four hands. They brought in an extra piano for rehearsing.

I first sang the Fauré Requiem in church choir when I was in 4th or 5th grade, my mom on the organ. I remember every Good Friday Daddy would listen to Parsifal (the whole thing). In 6th grade I was the best in music class at identifying classical pieces, because we had all the records at home and I could practice. This was probably not fair to the other kids in class, but oh well.

I started playing French Horn in 6th grade; then when we moved to Kansas, my dad began conducting the very local regional orchestra, which I joined in I guess 9th grade. There were only two horn players, the 1st chair grown-up, and me. Pretty cool, and I got to play some good music; I always enjoy it when a piece comes on the classical radio and I can say to my cielo, "Hey, I played that!" And of course, I had piano lessons from my mother from age 5 until I graduated from high school. By the end I was playing concerto movements for competitions.

In college I sang in the choral union, which was made up of vocal majors and anyone else who wanted to join. Choral union was required for vocal majors, which meant I was singing next to top-quality singers such as this one. Here I got to sing the Fauré again, as well as the Mozart and Brahms Requiems, Rutter's Gloria (oh my god, that movement is sublime), and Bernstein's Chichester Psalms.

My folks didn't have much use for popular music -- although I distinctly remember my mom saying she really liked "Yesterday," and they made note of when John Lennon died, so it wasn't completely outside their realm of existence. Nevertheless, we were a classical music household, and it wasn't until I went to college that I really started exploring other genres.

In fact, it was my little brother TBro who introduced me to the Indigo Girls, when I was 21 and heading into my last year of college. He came back from boy scout camp, where he was on the summer staff, and said, "Hey, you should listen to this, it's kinda cool," and popped "Closer to Fine" into the tape deck. It's not an overstatement to say this changed my life. The Girls saved my life, and their music led me to Nanci Griffith (ooh, complete with monologue!), Mary Chapin-Carpenter, Shawn Colvin, Emmylou Harris, and, eventually, Dar Williams, the Dixie Chicks (I still feel this way, if you're wondering), and Patty Griffin. If you've been around awhile you know this is music that has pulled me through some tough times.

It's not that I got away from classical music, exactly. When we lived in Tucson I sang in the UofA's Community Chorus (Mahler 2 being the highlight) and when we lived in Portland we went to the opera with some regularity (we got in cheap since we had friends who worked there). We have two CD racks, one full of classical, one full of the above singers (as well as some others, and Latin pop/tropical/Nueva Canción, jazz, and Sweet Honey In the Rock). Classical just didn't have the same space anymore; that space was shared by the need to occasionally rock out, or have my heart cracked open by a high lonesome harmony, or to nourish my struggle against injustice.

And then, in January, I rediscovered opera.

Now as I said, I grew up with opera. We often listened to the Met radio broadcasts on Saturdays, and if there were operas on TV we'd watch those, as well. And of course there's was Daddy's Parsifal ritual. Mom would cry listening to "Nessun Dorma."

One of my favorite memories is when my mom took me to Dallas to see the Met on tour in 1979, for my 9th birthday. This was back in the day when the Met actually took their productions on the road. We were originally going to see 3 operas: Don something (I forget now which of all the Dons), with Beverly Sills, who I adored at that tender young age; Tosca; and Tannhauser. The trip was really about seeing Sills, but Don something sold out, which I distinctly remember made me cry. So we had to settle for Tosca and Tannhauser ("Settle," she says...).

Mom and I packed up the Pinto with food and all the opera books we had, and drove from our little town of Monticello, AR, all the way to Dallas. Just the two of us, the brothers stayed home with Dad! I read the stories of the operas from our books out loud to Mom while she drove. She felt it was better to know the stories going in, so you would know what was going on. So I read them, and we talked about them, all the way to Dallas.

We saw Tosca first. You can see pictures of the set here, thanks to the Met's archive. As I mentioned, the production would have traveled, so what was seen at the Met was what I saw in Dallas. I was enthralled. I won't rehearse the story for you, you can read it here, but I remember being on the edge of my seat, from the crashing, threatening opening chords all the way to the end, when Tosca throws herself to her death (what, you're surprised? It's an opera, somebody has to die, and in Tosca, just about everyone does...). It was the music, it was the story, it was the performances (Magda Olivero's swan song*, and Pavarotti** in his prime). It was the strong, powerful woman in charge of her own life. I was HOOKED.

*1960 performance, Act II, part 1, part 2, part 3 (the famous aria, which my dad says is bad theology but my cielo points out is a biblically sound lament. When we saw her in 1979, she did the whole thing on her knees, which, considering she was 69, impressed my mom and me very much.), part 4. Very cool; such presence in her voice. Basic summary of this scene: her boyfriend is being tortured in the next room, and she's trying to convince the bad guy to stop it. Bad guy says he will, if she sleeps with him. Watch and see for yourself how it turns out. And you thought opera was boring.

**Here he is in the Met's 78-79 production, in NY. This is the same production we saw, with him, but with a different soprano obviously. Part 1 and part 2.

The next night we saw Tannhauser. I feel asleep shortly after the Venusberg scene of Act 1 (er, that link is a not entirely traditional production. Maybe I would've stayed awake if we had seen this!). Wagner is pretty heavy for a 9-year old, and it could be that Tosca wore me out! I did wake up with the brass fanfare (traditional production) in the 2nd act, which was pretty cool.

My folks had the 1962 recording of Tosca, with Leontyne Price, Giuseppe di Stefano, conducted by Herbert von Karajan. 2 records, red box, with a nice booklet on how they did the recording. I listened to that album OVER and OVER and OVER when I was a teenager. My parents gave me the piano score for Christmas one year, and I used to play through the WHOLE THING at one sitting (knowing right where the spots were to flip the records). It was my escape, even if to a brutal, all-too-real place (sometime I will write about why I think Tosca may have primed me for my future justice work...). A few years ago, my folks transferred the records onto CDs for me, which I thought was fabulous.

I enjoyed other operas -- the Puccini oeuvre, Verdi, Wagner (I grew into it, and besides, in my household, it could not be escaped), Mozart somewhat -- we were more romantics in my house. I remember adoring the New Year's Eve Met of the comedy Die Fledermaus, which was a riot, and starred Kiri Te Kanawa, who I promptly got a crush on (and oh my, the Met has put that performance online...goody!). And on into adulthood, I kept listening when I could.

But I think during seminary classical music became the background for studying, and less for really listening to. And with opera or longer orchestral works, I hate interruptions (I'm the same way about movies), so when I needed a brief musical pick-me-up, I opted for a few Indigo Girls or Patty Griffin songs.

Which helped. But I had forgotten what it meant to be immersed in music, whatever sort it was.

To be continued...


And thanks to all the youtube-ers for making all the linkage in this post possible!

Monday, February 22, 2010

My Inner Hermit


I was reading the latest post at the Abbey of the Arts, and was struck right off by the phrase "my inner monk." The thought resonated with me as a question: Do I have an inner monk? And I think the answer is: I'm not sure about a monk, but I definitely have an inner hermit.

The photo above was my hermitage when I went on retreat last year at Nada. As you may remember, I was there, by myself, for a week. I'm going back again the week after Easter, and will get to be in this same hermitage again. It's basically one room, and a bathroom. There's a little desk, a little kitchen (well stocked by the good folks at Nada), a bunk, and an easy chair facing that glorious set of windows facing south. There's also a wood stove which I enjoyed tending, although I never quite figured out how keep the temp lower than about 80 at night!

I think I have an inner hermit because sometimes the desire to get away to this hermitage is almost overwhelming. It is not quite the sense of wanting to run away from my problems and life's difficulties. Rather I sense it more as retreating away just to be with God, by myself, and sort things out for a while with no distractions.

Just sit there in that chair, looking south at the broad Sangre de Cristo landscape, soaking up the sun, music helping me to give voice and emotion to stuff that's packed inside. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine myself there. A brief retreat, accessing the presence of the Divine so palpable in sunlight and solitude.

Thinking of that longing for retreat as "my inner hermit" is helpful because whereas before it simply felt like unrequited longing -- Ah! I want to get away! But I can't! -- now I can think about it as a part of myself that's giving me some information about my state of being and what needs paying attention to.

For instance, I think it's no accident that this "longing" is currently quite constant and feels almost physical -- while at the same time there is some very difficult stuff going in my life/our lives, not just my whole healing work but other mostly unbloggable stuff as well. In the middle of all this, my inner hermit is manifesting in the urge to just. stay. home. and. do. nothing.
It doesn't help (or maybe it does) that there's the Olympics with which to distract myself...

Recognizing my inner hermit helps me to think about way I might tend to her that could be more intentional and helpful rather than simply vegging out on the couch discovering the oddity that is olympic curling.

I know this: My inner hermit needs music. And sunlight (Denver's weather lately is not helping in this respect). And solitude. Learning to create these spaces in what is right now a very busy and challenging life might be a good Lenten practice for me...



Considering my toes in front of those fabulous south windows...

Monday, February 8, 2010

Love Songs From God

I was listening to this today:



Yes, yes, I know, Renée Fleming again. What can I say, I have a mild obsession.

Anyway. This is her cover of a famous Joni Mitchell song, "River," from a really wonderful album of jazz covers (rather than opera). Here's another song, from the same album, I was also listening to today:





So, lately...Oh, you know, I get tired of talking about this sometimes (and sometimes wonder if people are tired of hearing about it, one reason I think I haven't been saying much here lately) ...so suffice to say, healing is still a struggle, with better days and worse days, and mostly a sense that things that have been stuck and stagnant are moving again. I was going to say something about "progress" but that is too linear for a process which to me does not feel particularly linear at all.

Acupuncture has helped. Spiritual direction helps. Love of friends and my cielo helps. And I have to say it, even if you laugh, Renée Fleming helps.

In spiritual direction I learned that immersion in beauty is, for me, one of the best counterbalances to my pretty constant immersion in the muck and pain of life. I've been trying to find ways to do that, and for now it is coming a lot through music. In fact what made me realize it was going to the Met's Live in HD broadcast of Der Rosenkavalier (starring you-know-who). I was swept away. The next week in spiritual direction I realized that I was so swept away that my brain-on-hypercritical-deconstructive-overdrive actual shut its damnself up for four hours and just let me enjoy the wonder and beauty of moments like this one.


I loved it so much I went back and saw the encore showing.

In enjoying one youtube posting after another of Renée (may I call you that? surely by now we are on a first-name basis), I rediscovered her jazz album, Haunted Heart, which I actually had forgotten that we own (silly me). I've been listening to some of the songs over and over and the point I am trying to get to is this:

Renée's voice is like God singing to me.

I don't mean that like, "Oh, she has such a divine voice," although certainly she does. No, what I mean is, in these days when I need to feel God close, She is showing up through this music, this voice, to remind me that I'm loved, and I'm not alone.

And, apparently, She sings me love songs, gorgeous ones, like "My One and Only Love," that I posted above.

So I got to wondering..."River" is a sad song. It's a song about love lost. When Renée sings this lyric:

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye


...I wonder, does God feel that way sometimes? When I am sad and hurting and ticked off at God, does She sing sad, lament-y love songs about Her haunted heart and how She's trying to figure out how to win me back?

I'd like to think so...I think the prophets express this sometimes. And it opens up a whole new way, for me, of thinking about my relationship with the Divine One, one that is not about duty and responsibility, but rather is about longing, and love, and holds room even for pain. And in holding room for pain, there is then the possibility of comfort. And healing.

On a cold, snowy, day, I am thinking about this kind of God...



In the night, though we're apart
There's a ghost of you within my haunted heart
Ghost of you, my lost romance
Lips that laugh, eyes that dance

Haunted heart won't let me be
Dreams repeat a sweet but lonely song to me
Dreams are dust, it's you who must belong to me
And thrill my haunted heart, be still, my haunted heart

Dreams are dust, it's you who must belong to me
And thrill my haunted heart, be still, my haunted heart

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Thinking About Trembling

A favorite seminary professor of mine has begun a blog which I'm enjoying. Today she posts a quote she found of Frederick Buechner:

The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt
(from The Hungering Dark, 1968)

Her post on interconnections is lovely and thoughtful (and that she mentions our awesome theology class, the high point of my last quarter at Iliff, is a bonus). But the quote has me thinking about my own life, and call, and my struggles to live authentically and boldly in a world which values neither particularly much. The questioning if what I do -- who I touch, and how -- makes any difference whatsoever.

There are days, such as these, when the wondering gets the better of me. When my imagination feels exhausted, when the work to heal and be whole (myself, the world) seems endless.

Or perhaps the sentence should read like this: When my imagination feels exhausted the work to heal and be whole (myself, the world) seems endless.

Days when my best attempts for best touch meet only the immovable.

Or at least that is how it feels to me. Because Buechner is probably right: I have no idea. I have no idea what impact my life has in the world.

Who knows where the trembling stops? I want to think on that, ponder that possibility that in the trembling, there lies the way to hope.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Friday Five: God Comes Near Edition

From the revgals as usual, a nice Friday Five: "Please share five ways that God has come to you (your family or friends, your church or workplace, our world) in the past year, that God is coming to you right now, and/or that you are longing and looking for God to come."

Here are 5 photos that represent how God has come near to me this year (an important part of my journey this year, knowing that God is near...hence the focus is pretty much just on me...)


There was our trip back to Tucson to visit our Abuelitos (our adopted grandma and grandpa). Gorgeous spring in the desert, and a wonderful visit with them.



Now God, She made it blizzard at the beginning of my retreat, so that I could not get away (from Her). Although eventually I was able to get out to take this photo of my precious little hermitage.



The moment we had all been waiting for: I'm ordained! So full of Spirit I could hardly hold myself up during this moment.



This is a two-for-one: My cielo, and the goats. Divine love, and divine humor.



Another two-for-one: Dear friends (without whom I would have been lost this year), and the wonder of the Rocky Mountains.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Poetry Of The Day

After Psalm 137

We're still in Babylon but
We do not weep
Why should we weep?
We have forgotten
How to weep

We've sold our harps
And bought ourselves machines
That do our singing for us
And who remembers now
The songs we sang in Zion?

We have got used to exile
We hardly notice
Our captivity
For some of us
There are such comforts here
Such luxuries

Even a guard
To keep the beggars
From annoying us

Jerusalem
We have forgotten you.

- by Anne Porter, from Living Things: Collected Poems.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

the one with the collar, part two

another day with the collar on
another day at court with someone

i can't get over my hatred
of that place
and yesterday afternoon
certainly did not help

greengirl texts me,
soon you will hate
putting on the collar, too

which
gives
me
pause.

is that what i want?
to hate the collar?

i decide:
i'll keep wearing it today
to grab a sandwich and
read my novel in the back booth

to go to the revolutionary meeting

and

to go have a beer
with my favorite revolutionary

i remember advice
from my therapist
after the arrest

do something life-giving
with these same folks
who were dealt death
associate goodness
with their faces
again

so: a beer and chips and salsa
and laughter and plotting
the anti-imperialist softball team

life-giving
associate goodness
with this collar

coming out of the restaurant
we run into a homeless guy
cheerfully staggering down the street
asking for change

for once i actually had some
and dug in my pocket
my favorite revolutionary did the same

he kind of dips his head,
says, "hey! minister!"
grinning
"you got the collar and everything!"

for a split second i think
what?
and then
oh!

"That's right," i say,
"this pastor's been
a busy girl today"

and put my change
in his hand

we head down the street
as he swings his arms wide
and hollers
"God bless everybody!"

"And you too,"
I holler back over my shoulder.

------------
part one is here.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Scabs and Scars

When I was in the second grade, I fell out of our climbing tree in the backyard. I don't remember what happened -- I think I just lost hold -- but I remember falling out of the tree backwards, landing flat on my back and the breath knocked out of me.

On the way down, a broken bit of branch tore a good long scratch in my right upper arm. It was the only wound from that fall.

What I also remember is the scab on that scratch. The scratch was long and thin, on my inner arm. It scabbed over hard and tight. And I remember sitting in class, in second grade, and every time I raised my hand to answer a question, the scab would pop apart a little. And it would hurt. I remember that even more clearly than getting the breath knocked out of me.

I was thinking about that today, driving the short hour home from spiritual direction, being literally knocked about by the windy day after an extended session of being spiritually knocked about -- not by my director, mind you, but by my own pain, and my own desperate struggle to hope.

My life right now is like that scab. Only bigger. That scab covers a two-year old wound and the months of continued wounding afterwards. It's a wound to the body, the soul, the spirit. It's a loss of trust, of belief, of innocence. It's layers of wounds over which is a hard, tight scab which I'm sure served a purpose for a time but is no longer much serving me. Because the only thing left outside is anger. And unbelief.

And I don't talk about it much. At all.

Every time, though, I raise my hand to speak of justice, of hope, of life, that scab pops apart a little. And it's terrifying. You'd think it would be nice, you know, a sign of healing, but it just hurts. What's underneath is tender tender tender and doesn't really want to be hurt again. And I resist that, and it's exhausting.

But on the other hand. When the scab begins to crack, the air can get in. And that tenderness can get out. And I need that. I need that. I am not this anger and unbelief that is left.

Today the scab cracked in a big way. Oh, it hurt. A lot. I'm exhausted. But feel a glimmer of hope (a little goat therapy this afternoon, including head rubs from Arlo, helped).

In second grade, eventually, the scab came off, bit by bit. I still have a scar on my arm from that fall, but the wound healed and stopped hurting. I like to look at that scar and remember that it is proof that in my life I have climbed trees without fear.

This wound will leave a scar as well. I wonder what I will think of it then.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Pray With Me?

Today the immigrant day laborers I visit with every week and I had a good laugh. It's the kind of laugh that is born of deep pain and anxiety. You know, the kind of laugh so you don't cry.

Work has been desperately hard to come by. Day labor by its nature is an incredibly vulnerable way to make a living, and in this economic crisis, even more so. Workers go days without work, weeks with only a day or two here and there.

They had told me before that they don't like it when it rains because there's even less work (although they're still there, waiting faithfully...just like last week, in a cold drizzle). But at least when it snows, there's work shoveling driveways and parking lots and such.

So I asked the guys today, are they hoping it snows? Should we start praying for snow?

Well, it all depends. Most of the time the snow here in Denver is a few inches, then the sun comes out the next day and melts it off in a few hours. No need to shovel.

But if we pray for more, well, you have to be careful there, too -- if it's too much, like waist-high or more, then you can't get out to go get the shoveling jobs (and the shoveling jobs can't get to you).

Then we began to giggle. What kind of snow should we be praying for? What would bring in shoveling jobs, and let them get out to find the jobs, on a steady basis? Everybody was measuring on their bodies -- here? this high? 3 weeks? 1? Finally we figured it out:

Knee-high snows, every two weeks. That should be good. So I will be praying for that. And that they get paid for their work, as there is rampant wage theft in day labor. So that, too.

I hope you'll join me.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Requisite Whiny Monday Post

So, these things all happened to me today.

  • Got a chip in my windshield driving on the highway to the bulk mail processing center to drop of an appeal letter mailing for my other job (as in, not my church work). The highway is being repaired and there was gravel and a semi kicked a rock into my windshield.
  • Got to bulk mail center. Everything seemed fine, except apparently our non-profit mailing permit had expired. Last week. I can't pay it because I don't have a "company" credit card.
    Cart the mailing back to my car and go back to work.
  • Get stuck behind trash truck emptying recycle bins. Tried to be thankful for recycling, but at this point was not feeling that thankful.
  • Stopped at the green dry cleaner to drop off a couple of shirts. My reasonably new (as in, I've had it all of 3 months) has a tear in it. Must pay extra (not today, but soon) to have it repaired.
  • Fouled up printing several appeal letters that were fouled up the first time. Forgot to put return envelope/reply form in and had to open the envelopes...and thus reprint them. Again.
AMENDED to add: AND, I wrote a blog post in which I left out important details such as the item that had the tear in it that I've had all of three months is: my clerical shirt.

Finally got home. Went for a long walk with my cielo. Fed the duckies. It's a beautiful day here in Denver, and I feel much better now.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

the one with the collar

the one
with the collar
is the one
who gets to go
to the jail
and talk to
the lady cop
who booked
her
almost
2 years ago now
imagine
and she still
remembers
although
the lady cop
sees only the collar
and is not mean
this time

the one
with the collar
is the one
who gets
all the information
and assures
the husband
it will all be ok
slow, but ok
nerve-racking, but ok
cost a little money, but ok

the one
with the collar
realizes
as she slides
the white notched
plastic
into place
that this
is their life now
naps interrupted
with emergencies
Saturday nights
interrupted with
crises
much needed self-care
interrupted
with
much needed other-care

the one
with the collar
is tired
hormonal
slightly sick
but must keep
the collar handy
more calls to make
tonight
to get a loved one
out of jail

Friday, July 3, 2009

Morning Chores

I got up at 6am to go up to the farm this morning to do chores as Goat Mama is out of town. I'd not done "wake up" chores before, just "putting to bed chores," but it's about the same stuff, just in reverse sort of, without the stress of "will you PLEASE just go in the right house? PLEASE? Before it gets dark?"

I really enjoyed it. I am SOOOO not a morning person, but I liked being up and watching the sun rise over the meadow, which is lush green from all the rain we've been having. Barn swallows swooped around and even sat just right on the gate out to the goat pens, and let me walk right up to them. All was quiet, except for Darby the foster goat bleating like crazy for his milk. I just took my time and enjoyed the morning.

Even the roosters tottered off without bothering me...a nice change from last night, when the two meanies flew at me, talons bared, until I had to back out of the pen and think up a new game plan (hint: an old screen window comes in handy as a shield...).

I'll take the goats any day...

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Happy Day

My cielo graduates from Iliff tomorrow. I am so proud of her I can hardly stand it!

Her parents came yesterday for graduation, the first time they have ever visited us. They are very sweet to me; we aren't out to them, as they are of a much more conservative strain of Christianity, but they somehow "get" that my cielo and I go together, and they consider me a daughter.

My mom flew in this morning, the first time she has met my cielo's family. She is more excited to meet them even than the graduation. It's been a good day, so far.

My favorite part of the day so far: All of us sitting around the kitchen table drinking coffee and tea, laughing together about my cielo's dad trying to sneak another cookie; crying together while my cielo translated "The Summons," a hymn special to both of us, sung at my graduation and now at hers, and, it turns it out, meaningful to my dad as well; and all of us singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" in Spanish (my mom humming along), which will be sung tomorrow as well.

Truly, a beautiful set of moments of 2 families sharing together. Made me very happy.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Towanda Gets Interviewed

Tess offered up a chance to be interviewed, so here are her questions for yours truly (and my answers, of course!).

What's the most beautiful city you've ever visited, and why?

Wow, hmm. My gut response is Antigua, Guatemala, which still has much of its original Spanish colonial (as in, built by the original Spanish colonists) architecture, and what is newer is built in that same style. Bougainvillea bounds abundantly over the walls and other sorts of flora are equally bountiful. The city is small, you can walk to just about anywhere you'd want to go, and there are sweet little cafes where you can sit at a little table inside the hacienda walls but still outside, by the fountain, and have a café con leche and write. And yes, I know, it is a complexity in me to be anti-colonial and yet appreciate this architecture.

With that in mind what I also like is the presence of Maya folk, especially women, still in their traditional traje and going about town. That many are impoverished and are there selling their wares to tourists in order to feed their families is problematic, I know. However, I think their presence is also a reminder that as much as the colonists, the church, and later, the Guatemalan government have tried to wipe out the Maya through colonization, conversion, assimilation and genocide, THEY ARE STILL HERE. They are still here. The empire has not won.



What made you know it was right for you to seek ordination?

Honestly, it was because I couldn't imagine doing my work in the world any other way. And believe me, I tried to talk God out of it many, many times. Word and Table are integral pieces of my understanding of how I am called to do God's work of justice.


Do you think your passion for social justice is innate,
or was it triggered by something in particular?


Nature versus nurture? Great question. I know I have an innate concern for fairness, just ask my brothers. Maybe that's from being the oldest child? But I can also point to a specific event that initiated the whole rest of this journey that's been my life ever since. I wrote about this in in my seminary application (which you can read all of here):

My first experience of transformation, my first real sense of call, came when I was 16 years old. I was attending the 1986 Presbyterian Youth Triennium; One morning, the thousands of us gathered in the large auditorium for the plenary. After being introduced, a young woman, dressed simply, came out on to the stage, accompanied by a young man. Her name was Jean Peacock, and she began to speak of her work in Tucson, Arizona, as part of the Sanctuary movement.

I had never heard of such a thing. But I sat in rapt attention as she described the plight of Central Americans fleeing to the border, escaping brutality which at that point in my young life was new to me. She spoke of civil wars in El Salvador, Guatemala, Nicaragua, of the campesinos fleeing death threats, massacres, torture, to the supposed refuge of the U.S., where they faced new struggles of entering the country illegally, traveling a new “Underground Railroad” throughout the U.S. and into Canada, to a tenuous safety. Few lucky ones were granted asylum, but strange it seemed, the U.S. officials did not believe the stories, and the vast majority were forced to live hidden lives.

When Jean introduced the young man with her, a former death squad member from El Salvador who had repented and fled the country, already my heart was pounding, and I could sense God speaking to me between the beats, urging me to listen in a way I had never listened before. What I was hearing was difficult – such tragedy, such violence, and the complicity of my own country – but I ached to know more. By the time he finished speaking, I knew that I was being called. I could not get their stories out of my head, nor my heart, nor my soul. While the kids around me were complaining that this had been a “downer” (and, interestingly, when I met Jean years later, she told me that she thought at the time that her speech had been unimpressive), I understood very clearly the voice that was now resounding in my heart: Pay attention: This is the life I am setting before you. Your life and work are going to be connected to Central America, in working for justice and for peace.


What is it about goats that makes them so lovable?

Mmm. There's this blend of intelligence and sweetness and how they just know and you can see that in their faces. I swear Arlo knows who I am, and he comes when I call and he nudges me and nibbles at me. He seems to know when I need more attention, a little more care. The first time I did evening chores all by myself, Arlo and his mama and his grandmama circled round me as I walked through the goat pens, as if showing the other goats I could be trusted.

Working with the goats has taught me that they will trust me if I treat them well -- talking to them gently, feeding them, scritching their foreheads. Trusting me doesn't always mean they behave, right Lori? But I also know that when they refuse to go to bed, that really doesn't have anything to do with me, and I just have to laugh at them 'cause they're goofy. Getting mad doesn't help. I don't have to do or be anything special, just show up and be kind.

Plus, they're just cute!! I mean, look at this face! Who wouldn't love this face??!!



If you could own any piece of baseball memorabilia in the world,
what would it be?


Anything? Really? Wow, hmm. How about one of the home plates that Jackie Robinson stole (I'm not even sure if one is extant, but I can dream)? George Brett's pine tar bat (man, that would make my brothers jealous)? A game ball from the 1985 World Series signed by all the Royals (we lived in Kansas then and followed them closely)? An original, mint condition, Ted Williams baseball card? Oh, Tess, don't get me started!


If you'd like to be interviewed by me, leave me a note in the comments!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Baby Goats!!!

Springtime is baby goat time at Westfarm! We went up yesterday to see the triplets who were born last week -- and for me to help out with chores, of course. We came into the goat yard and peeked into the first house to see this:

We began oohing and ahhing and GoatMama Lori poked her head in and said, "Hey, wait a minute! You're new!" These triplets, from mama Annie, had been born just a couple of hours before we arrived -- Lori didn't even know as she'd just gotten home herself, and Annie wasn't due til next week anyway. They are so new you can still see the fresh placenta over there on the right. 2 boys and a girl; the girl is the solid blondish one.


These are Mattie's triplets, the ones we had come up to see. Mattie is in front, Gingerbread is the doting and protective auntie in the red collar. Also 2 boys and a girl.


Lori and the girl, Robin. Lori says the goats told her all the babies should have bird names this year...


Me with Robin. Very soft!


Arlo checks in on the brand-new babies.


Part of today's chores included pouring iodine on the babys' bellybuttons to prevent infection, giving the pregnant girls (and Annie) shots to help assure their immunity passes on to their kids, and providing Annie with molasses water and extra alfafa.


Here's me with Annie's baby girl. Isn't she cute! We thought maybe her name might be Sparrow, but we're waiting to see if she agrees.


And of course, the chores must go on...Anderson and Tinkerbell looooove to play ring-around-the-house...