Friday, April 3, 2009

Conversation In My Head

Towanda leaves her meeting where the architects' plans show double the size of the space she'd actually asked for for the church...which means double the rent. She is not entirely comforted by the fact that they will change anyone listening to what she's saying? And, there's the whole basement as shared space which hasn't been factored into the rent cost...good lord, will I ever know how much this is actually going to cost us? Oh, and I will I have a job at the non-profit or are we seriously going under?? Oh god...

Towanda finds herself in the wrong lane and having to turn in to the parking garage of the snooty mall she hates. She pulls a u-turn to get out as quick as possible, stops and waits at the next light.

She realizes she's forgetting to breathe. She breathes. Sort of.

God: Don't panic.

Towanda: Oh, I'm panicking.

God: Well, don't.

Towanda: Easy for you to say. You're not going to pull that "let go and let God" crap on me, are you?

God: Uh, no. Just don't want you to panic. It'll all be ok.

Towanda: (dubious) It will.

God: Yes. Have I let you down before?

Towanda: Let's not go there.

God: I mean over the long haul. You watch for the signs, you know.

Towanda: I know. (pause) You're right, you've never let me down.

God: And today, you noticed the sign today, didn't you.

Towanda: Actually yes. Nicely played, having the organization I'd never heard of before until yesterday but that sounded like a great possibility for working together on detention center stuff appear out of the blue on the architects' plans and then show up for today's meeting. And wanting to meet me. Yeah, nicely played. Wasn't expecting that one at all.

God: You know I like surprises. And what about your new friend and co-worker, Quixote, who's decided he doesn't really need me, which is fine, and is completely suspicious of churches, which I totally understand...and he's helping you get started in Aurora. What about that?

Towanda: That was you? I hadn't even thought of that.

God: Of course. So you see, it'll all work out well.

Towanda: How?

God: I don't know. It's a mystery.

Towanda: That's not funny.

God: Why not? You love that line in the movie. You even used it in your theology final!

Towanda: Well, yes, but my life is not a movie, you see.

God: You're not in a very good mood today.

Towanda: You noticed.

God: Ok, Ok. Look, all I want to say is, don't panic. You're doing fine. I know there are times -- at leat 50 today -- that you want to quit --

Towanda: -- but just when I think I'm out you pull me back in!

God: What, you can quote movie lines but I can't? That hardly seems fair.

Towanda: Sorry.

God: That's ok. Look, you're almost home, just go lay on the couch for a bit, read the rest of the Sports Illustrated Baseball Preview issue, try not to get worked up that they picked the yankees to win the AL East, drink some water, try to get a handle on your breathing. Really, don't panic. Don't panic.

Towanda: Can you believe they picked the yankees?

God: I know, right? But...not helpful right now. Just breathe. Lay back in the boat. It's going to be fine.

Towanda: (deep sigh) Fine, okay. Okay.

The thin horizon of a plan is almost clear
My friends and I have had a tough time
Bruising our brains hard up against change
All the old dogs and the magician
Now I see were in the boat in two by twos
Only the heart that we have for a tool we could use
And the very close quarters are hard to get used to
Love weighs the hull down with its weight
But the wood is tired and the wood is old
And we'll make it fine if the weather holds
But if the weather holds well have missed the point
That's where I need to go

No way construction of this tricky plan
Was built by other than a greater hand
With a love that passes all our understanding
Watching closely over the journey
Yeah but what it takes to cross the great divide
Seems more than all the courage I can muster up inside
Although we get to have some answers when we reach the other side
The prize is always worth the rocky ride
But the wood is tired and the wood is old
And we'll make it fine if the weather holds
But if the weather holds well have missed the point
That's where I need to go

Sometimes I ask to sneak a closer look
Skip to the final chapter of the book
And then maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took
To get us where we are this far yeah
But the question drowns in its futility
And even I have got to laugh at me
No one gets to miss the storm of what will be
Just holding on for the ride
The wood is tired and the wood is old
We'll make it fine if the weather holds
But if the weather holds well have missed the point
That's where I need to go