Dr. Tinker on the left, yours truly, Dr. Brock.
Showing posts with label seminary journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label seminary journey. Show all posts
Monday, June 9, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Still On The Journey
So, as I mentioned, I cleaned out my carrel yesterday. I had been going back and forth in my head -- should I go ahead and do it, or wait until my folks have seen it and come back after graduation to clean it out? -- and finally decided just to do it. Make it part of my closure rituals. So, I did it yesterday.
My carrel has served both as study place and as sacred place, as the top shelf held few books but functioned more as an altar. I have gradually been taking things home -- the boxes of tea, my Hebrew Tanakh and lexicon, a notepad for thoughts, the little pile of notes left by my cielo and my friends -- but the altar pieces stayed. I couldn't bring myself to take them, quite yet.
But I did, yesterday.
The stones and
the turtles and
the Guadalupe candle and
the Salvadoran art piece of the Last Supper and
the icon of St. Cecilia and
the postcard of a Diego Rivera painting that looks like my cielo and
the wooden sculpture of St. Francis I got in Chimayó last summer and
the markers from the commemoration of migrant deaths we did and
the flower petals from my birthday roses (well, those I left scattered at my cielo's and other friends' carrels) and
the dove from the protest we went to in Cuernavaca and
piles of notepaper and
my baseball calendar and
the sticker that says "was columbus a terrorist or an illegal alien?" and
the bottle of ibuprofen and
the photo of me and my cielo and
the BLUE artwork by my godson and
the old baseball I found in the lobby one day and
the postcards from the columbus day Protest and
the icon of Archbishop Romero and
the little glittery tealight holder from my in-care committee with the two little Guatemalan women dolls sitting in it and
my silk hand-painted (by me!) scarf with turtles and celtic trinity knots and moons and
the photo of the tomato-picker's dirt-encrusted hands and
my pen & pencil holder and
my sweatshirt and fleece blanket because it gets so cold up there even in the summer
And I packed them all into the bag, and thought about all the times I had looked at them and gained strength from them and reminded myself of what I was doing. I thought about the sandwiches I'd munched there, and the coffee and cokes drunk there, and the view from the window of the Rockies -- the storms I watched roll over the mountains and timed from the foothills to the moment the rain hit the library windows.
It was a sacred space. Faith and learning and nourishment, and a hiding place from the craziness of school.
----------------------
Today was honors convocation. I won the Justice and Peace Award, which apparently shocked no one but got a huge cheer and some folks even stood up to applaud. Later, when we presented the quilt that arrestees and witnesses had made to the school, the dean said very good things about what we had done and the impact it has had on the school. I was pleased with that.
After lunch was graduation rehearsal. We ran through the program, rehearsed the school songs, and practiced getting in, sitting down, and then getting up to receive our diplomas. The dean of chapel brought a hood so that we could practice being hooded -- and she brought the very hood which will be presented to our graduation keynote speaker, Carlotta Walls LaNier, a member of the Little Rock Nine. Since my family is from Arkansas, this is a great moment for me (and makes up karmically for having to endure shrub sr. at my college graduation...).
Ms. LaNier will be receiving the first honorary doctorate that Iliff has ever given in its history. The dean of chapel brought her hood and told us we would be carrying her legacy, and she would be carrying us. I loved that. When she hooded me, I put my hand where the hood hung at my neck, and she squeezed my shoulders and whispered in my ear that I have already born this mantle well, and will continue to do so in my life.
Well, that was just about too much!
-----------------------------------------
Afterwards, TheologyBabe and I had one last coffee date, and strolled quietly through the DU campus that connects with Iliff, noticing all the beautiful blooming flowers and reminiscing about our time here together. Shortly I will go to my very last class (I have actually not gone to class this week, except for Greek Monday morning...), the theology class, and then out for celebratory ice cream with friends afterwards.
Tomorrow I am cleaning house and writing a sermon for Sunday (my last in this capacity at HappyChurch), and my parents get in late at night.
Friday, I graduate.
-----------------------
BearGoddess asked me yesterday if I'm doing self-care around this big transition. I told her that I actually do transitions pretty well, because Daddy taught us whenever we moved to say good-bye to everything -- not just people but also places, and thank the places for the memories they hold. So I am fairly intentional about transitions like this -- marking the "last time" and giving thanks for sacred places and moments. I feel varieties of emotions -- excitement, nervousness, sadness, tenderness -- which all seems very normal for this kind of event.
Mostly what I feel is thankfulness. Iliff is the first place I ever got to really live into my whole self, and that self has been affirmed and celebrated and loved in so many ways.
There's a hymn from Iona called "The Summons" (which I have known for over 10 years and which we are singing Friday night), which has this line, one of my favorites:
Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Yes. I can finally say, Yes.
And I say it full of gratitude.
Full of gratitude.
My carrel has served both as study place and as sacred place, as the top shelf held few books but functioned more as an altar. I have gradually been taking things home -- the boxes of tea, my Hebrew Tanakh and lexicon, a notepad for thoughts, the little pile of notes left by my cielo and my friends -- but the altar pieces stayed. I couldn't bring myself to take them, quite yet.
But I did, yesterday.
The stones and
the turtles and
the Guadalupe candle and
the Salvadoran art piece of the Last Supper and
the icon of St. Cecilia and
the postcard of a Diego Rivera painting that looks like my cielo and
the wooden sculpture of St. Francis I got in Chimayó last summer and
the markers from the commemoration of migrant deaths we did and
the flower petals from my birthday roses (well, those I left scattered at my cielo's and other friends' carrels) and
the dove from the protest we went to in Cuernavaca and
piles of notepaper and
my baseball calendar and
the sticker that says "was columbus a terrorist or an illegal alien?" and
the bottle of ibuprofen and
the photo of me and my cielo and
the BLUE artwork by my godson and
the old baseball I found in the lobby one day and
the postcards from the columbus day Protest and
the icon of Archbishop Romero and
the little glittery tealight holder from my in-care committee with the two little Guatemalan women dolls sitting in it and
my silk hand-painted (by me!) scarf with turtles and celtic trinity knots and moons and
the photo of the tomato-picker's dirt-encrusted hands and
my pen & pencil holder and
my sweatshirt and fleece blanket because it gets so cold up there even in the summer
And I packed them all into the bag, and thought about all the times I had looked at them and gained strength from them and reminded myself of what I was doing. I thought about the sandwiches I'd munched there, and the coffee and cokes drunk there, and the view from the window of the Rockies -- the storms I watched roll over the mountains and timed from the foothills to the moment the rain hit the library windows.
It was a sacred space. Faith and learning and nourishment, and a hiding place from the craziness of school.
----------------------
Today was honors convocation. I won the Justice and Peace Award, which apparently shocked no one but got a huge cheer and some folks even stood up to applaud. Later, when we presented the quilt that arrestees and witnesses had made to the school, the dean said very good things about what we had done and the impact it has had on the school. I was pleased with that.
After lunch was graduation rehearsal. We ran through the program, rehearsed the school songs, and practiced getting in, sitting down, and then getting up to receive our diplomas. The dean of chapel brought a hood so that we could practice being hooded -- and she brought the very hood which will be presented to our graduation keynote speaker, Carlotta Walls LaNier, a member of the Little Rock Nine. Since my family is from Arkansas, this is a great moment for me (and makes up karmically for having to endure shrub sr. at my college graduation...).
Ms. LaNier will be receiving the first honorary doctorate that Iliff has ever given in its history. The dean of chapel brought her hood and told us we would be carrying her legacy, and she would be carrying us. I loved that. When she hooded me, I put my hand where the hood hung at my neck, and she squeezed my shoulders and whispered in my ear that I have already born this mantle well, and will continue to do so in my life.
Well, that was just about too much!
-----------------------------------------
Afterwards, TheologyBabe and I had one last coffee date, and strolled quietly through the DU campus that connects with Iliff, noticing all the beautiful blooming flowers and reminiscing about our time here together. Shortly I will go to my very last class (I have actually not gone to class this week, except for Greek Monday morning...), the theology class, and then out for celebratory ice cream with friends afterwards.
Tomorrow I am cleaning house and writing a sermon for Sunday (my last in this capacity at HappyChurch), and my parents get in late at night.
Friday, I graduate.
-----------------------
BearGoddess asked me yesterday if I'm doing self-care around this big transition. I told her that I actually do transitions pretty well, because Daddy taught us whenever we moved to say good-bye to everything -- not just people but also places, and thank the places for the memories they hold. So I am fairly intentional about transitions like this -- marking the "last time" and giving thanks for sacred places and moments. I feel varieties of emotions -- excitement, nervousness, sadness, tenderness -- which all seems very normal for this kind of event.
Mostly what I feel is thankfulness. Iliff is the first place I ever got to really live into my whole self, and that self has been affirmed and celebrated and loved in so many ways.
There's a hymn from Iona called "The Summons" (which I have known for over 10 years and which we are singing Friday night), which has this line, one of my favorites:
Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Yes. I can finally say, Yes.
And I say it full of gratitude.
Full of gratitude.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Have a Coke and a Smile
I finished another assignment late last night and emailed it to the prof., who has already written back saying it's an A and to cross it off my list.
I nearly wept into the keyboard.
I'll be having a Coke -- ice-cold, in the glass bottle -- with lunch to celebrate.
Here's an update on my "exit strategy," as another of my profs. calls it. What is in red is finished.
GREEK:
--Exegesis Topic (doing this today)
--Text Translation (I think I'm going to to this today also)
--Exegesis paper (5 p.)
FIELD ED.
--Theology of Ministry paper (8-10 p.)
--Evaluations
CONGREGATIONS
--Reflection Paper #1 (3 p.)
--Reflection Paper #2
--Reflection Paper #3
--Website comparison paper (really???)
--Congregational Study final paper (15-20 p.)
RITUAL & WORSHIP
--Chapel Report (4 services attended...report will be written this weekend)
--Group Project (in progress)
--Final Paper
THEOLOGICAL IMAGINATION AND CONSTRUCTION ("TIC") II
--Author Assignment (2-3 p.)
--Embodiment Assignment
--Book Assignment (worksheet)
--Final Paper (our integrated theology. It's churning in the brain)
The Exit Strategy:
Week 1 -- well, that was just reading and getting oriented.
Week 2 -- Theo. of Min. paper, Cong ref. #1
Week 3 -- TIC #1, TIC #2, Cong. #2
Week 4 -- Greek topic, TIC #3
Week 5 -- R&W report, Cong #3
Week 6 -- R&W Final Paper, Gk. Trans.
Week 7 -- Cong. Website thing, Cong. Final
Week 8 -- TRIAL. Field ed. evals on Friday.
Week 9 -- Greek paper, TIC Final Paper
Week 10 -- sleep, graduation paperwork, sermon for June 8th.
I nearly wept into the keyboard.
I'll be having a Coke -- ice-cold, in the glass bottle -- with lunch to celebrate.
Here's an update on my "exit strategy," as another of my profs. calls it. What is in red is finished.
GREEK:
--Exegesis Topic (doing this today)
--Text Translation (I think I'm going to to this today also)
--Exegesis paper (5 p.)
FIELD ED.
--Theology of Ministry paper (8-10 p.)
--Evaluations
CONGREGATIONS
--Reflection Paper #1 (3 p.)
--Reflection Paper #2
--Reflection Paper #3
--Website comparison paper (really???)
--Congregational Study final paper (15-20 p.)
RITUAL & WORSHIP
--Chapel Report (4 services attended...report will be written this weekend)
--Group Project (in progress)
--Final Paper
THEOLOGICAL IMAGINATION AND CONSTRUCTION ("TIC") II
--Author Assignment (2-3 p.)
--Embodiment Assignment
--Book Assignment (worksheet)
--Final Paper (our integrated theology. It's churning in the brain)
The Exit Strategy:
Week 1 -- well, that was just reading and getting oriented.
Week 2 -- Theo. of Min. paper, Cong ref. #1
Week 3 -- TIC #1, TIC #2, Cong. #2
Week 4 -- Greek topic, TIC #3
Week 5 -- R&W report, Cong #3
Week 6 -- R&W Final Paper, Gk. Trans.
Week 7 -- Cong. Website thing, Cong. Final
Week 8 -- TRIAL. Field ed. evals on Friday.
Week 9 -- Greek paper, TIC Final Paper
Week 10 -- sleep, graduation paperwork, sermon for June 8th.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Done and Undone
If things get quiet around here for the next few weeks, there's a good reason. A few factors are converging which will mean I am going to be insanely busy.
1 -- I'm graduating June 6th. Here at Iliff, classes continue to meet up to and including graduation day. This means that if you intend to graduate, you have to have all your work in to your profs. 2 weeks early. No one thinks this is a good idea, but that's the way it is. So technically all my schoolwork is due Friday May 23 (some profs give a little more time).
2 -- My trial starts May 19th. Yes, friends, that's the same week at the end of which all my stuff is due. Nice timing, eh? Thankfully, most of my profs are being flexible with me -- some stuff I will turn in *way* early, some a little bit late. The thing will be getting it all done.
3 -- Other little things along the way, like having a birthday (Friday!), lawyer meetings, meetings for the new church start, dates with my cielo, spiritual direction (I started this last week), more Reiki, and in general good self-care so that I can get through this without losing my mind.
Here's what all has to be done, assignment wise (what's in red is already done):
1 -- I'm graduating June 6th. Here at Iliff, classes continue to meet up to and including graduation day. This means that if you intend to graduate, you have to have all your work in to your profs. 2 weeks early. No one thinks this is a good idea, but that's the way it is. So technically all my schoolwork is due Friday May 23 (some profs give a little more time).
2 -- My trial starts May 19th. Yes, friends, that's the same week at the end of which all my stuff is due. Nice timing, eh? Thankfully, most of my profs are being flexible with me -- some stuff I will turn in *way* early, some a little bit late. The thing will be getting it all done.
3 -- Other little things along the way, like having a birthday (Friday!), lawyer meetings, meetings for the new church start, dates with my cielo, spiritual direction (I started this last week), more Reiki, and in general good self-care so that I can get through this without losing my mind.
Here's what all has to be done, assignment wise (what's in red is already done):
GREEK:
--Exegesis Topic (only a paragraph, but if I have to write it, it counts)
--Text Translation (I'm doing Romans 13:1-7)
--Exegesis paper (5 p.)
FIELD ED.
--Theology of Ministry paper (8-10 p.)
--Evaluations
CONGREGATIONS
--Reflection Paper #1 (3 p.)
--Reflection Paper #2
--Reflection Paper #3
--Website comparison paper (really???)
--Congregational Study final paper (15-20 p.)
RITUAL & WORSHIP
--Chapel Report (attend 4 chapel services and write about it...)
--Group Project (spare me!)
--Final Paper (~10 p. I think)
THEOLOGICAL IMAGINATION AND CONSTRUCTION ("TIC") II
--Author Assignment (2-3 p.)
--Embodiment Assignment (in process, length is relative)
--Book Assignment (worksheet)
--Final Paper (our integrated theology. oh boy...)
Plus a few other graduation details like an exit interview and forms to fill out and what-not.
Yeah. I'm tired just thinking about it. And in fact I had a little freakout when I got it all written down and saw what I'm in for. But it's do-able. It's do-able.
Here's the strategy I worked out to make this all happen:
Week 1 -- well, that was just reading and getting oriented.
Week 2 -- Theo. of Min. paper, Cong ref. #1
Week 3 -- TIC #1, TIC #2, Cong. #2
Week 4 -- Greek topic, TIC #3
Week 5 -- R&W report, Cong #3
Week 6 -- R&W Final Paper, Gk. Trans.
Week 7 -- Cong. Website thing, Cong. Final
Week 8 -- TRIAL. Field ed. evals on Friday.
Week 9 -- Greek paper, TIC Final Paper -- turned in by the 29th at the latest as grades are due on 30th for graduates.
Week 10 -- sleep, graduation paperwork, sermon for June 8th.
Whew. I'm only going to do the essential reading (which is mostly TIC reading), otherwise I won't have time to write. I mean really, if the prof. for Congregations essentially just tells us what we read in his lectures...why do I need to read? I'm just taking notes and identifying things I might want to review to use for my paper.
I decided that for every assignment I knock off the list, I get to celebrate by having a little Coke, the 6 oz. glass bottles.
Cheer me on, y'all, I'm gonna need it!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Update, Light At The End of the Tunnel Version
The UCC polity papers both went off yesterday. Field Ed. eval done. Now working on the theology paper. I have never had so much trouble getting started on a paper. I made a start last Wednesday, which I hated, and ended up in tears. Did my polity instead, hoping a new idea would come up. Started new idea last night, which I hated, and ended up in tears.
Had my cielo pray over my poor exhausted brain, and an idea came to me. Started on that tonight, and finally, thank God, it's going well.
Folks keep reminding me I've had a rough quarter, tiring, and all that. I think also my full-load-every-quarter-so-I-can-graduate-in-three-years insanity is catching up to me. Caught up, perhaps, and occasionally kicking my ass.
And yet last week I was sitting at my carrel in the library, next the the windows with the fabulous views, and looked at my little altar-pieces and books that have sat there all these nearly three years keeping me company, and a wave of grief washed over me.
Thank God for two weeks of spring break, and a trip to Mexico. I. Need. It.
Had my cielo pray over my poor exhausted brain, and an idea came to me. Started on that tonight, and finally, thank God, it's going well.
Folks keep reminding me I've had a rough quarter, tiring, and all that. I think also my full-load-every-quarter-so-I-can-graduate-in-three-years insanity is catching up to me. Caught up, perhaps, and occasionally kicking my ass.
And yet last week I was sitting at my carrel in the library, next the the windows with the fabulous views, and looked at my little altar-pieces and books that have sat there all these nearly three years keeping me company, and a wave of grief washed over me.
Thank God for two weeks of spring break, and a trip to Mexico. I. Need. It.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Chugging Along
Mmm...turned in the two ethics papers. Finished the theology journal, it's ready to go. Finished the ID questions for polity. Knocking off an hour or so of Greek study every day.
Just (just! she says!) have the theology paper and two UCC papers left, and the Greek final.
The hormonal outrage of the last week is on its way out. Ahem. This means an uptick in energy and mood for me, just in time!
BlueEyes is taking me to a batting cage on Saturday, and I can't wait. We are going to hit baseball pitches, which I haven't done in ages...we'll see how I do.
Strangely, my right arm and hand are feeling better. I say strangely because I'm doing so much writing. But there it is. I spent Saturday and Sunday sitting on my exercise ball while writing, and then laying out on in every once in a while to stretch out my back. I wonder if that helps.
Off to drill verb forms...I am so ready to be HERE. The picture with the pool shows the green lawn outside the condo where we'll be staying (the interior shots are a different condo). I understand there is a hammock, where I will be doing much laying about and napping...
Just (just! she says!) have the theology paper and two UCC papers left, and the Greek final.
The hormonal outrage of the last week is on its way out. Ahem. This means an uptick in energy and mood for me, just in time!
BlueEyes is taking me to a batting cage on Saturday, and I can't wait. We are going to hit baseball pitches, which I haven't done in ages...we'll see how I do.
Strangely, my right arm and hand are feeling better. I say strangely because I'm doing so much writing. But there it is. I spent Saturday and Sunday sitting on my exercise ball while writing, and then laying out on in every once in a while to stretch out my back. I wonder if that helps.
Off to drill verb forms...I am so ready to be HERE. The picture with the pool shows the green lawn outside the condo where we'll be staying (the interior shots are a different condo). I understand there is a hammock, where I will be doing much laying about and napping...
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Correction
I said in the post below that we are going to Mexico with my folks in 3 weeks, but we actually leave TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY!! Shows you my level of distraction.
Here's what has to be done between now and then --
Yes, we get two weeks of spring break!
That first week of spring break is self-care extravaganza --
Somewhere in there, I guess I need to pack!
Here's what has to be done between now and then --
- 2 5--page ethics papers, each on a different question, due Wednesday. Don't EVEN get me started on this assignment...
- 10-page journal for theology, almost done, due Thursday.
- 10-page paper for theology, due the 18th.
- 2 5-page papers for UCC polity (one of which is already overdue because of the whole trial fiasco), "due" the 16th (our new due date worked out with the prof).
- 1 page of an ID list for UCC polity, also due the 16th.
- And 1, count 'em, 1 cumulative final in Greek, next Thursday.
Yes, we get two weeks of spring break!
That first week of spring break is self-care extravaganza --
- Monday some of the arrest group is going for a day retreat in the mountains to share our stories about that day. Strangely enough, we have not really told each other our stories of our experiences, just bits and pieces here and there.
- That night, we are all going here for "spa night!"
- Tuesday, my cielo, BearGoddess and I are going for massages and then joining BlueEyes for a sleepover.
- Wednesday, I have a Reiki appointment. I've been trying to get an acupuncture appointment but they have not responded.
Somewhere in there, I guess I need to pack!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
A Typical Night...
...sort of!
Me and my cielo, sitting on the couch studying. I had finished up an hour's worth of Greek study, and was reading an essay on UCC Polity.
My cielo was reading the Bible, for Hebrew Bible: Song of Songs!
Who do you think was having more fun? Actually, both of us, because she kept reading lines out to me until I had to ask her to stop. Otherwise neither one of us would get much actual studying done!
Now I've moved to the computer to read some online stuff on UCC Polity. I looked over at the couch and noticed a cat behind my cielo's head. "Hey, you have a cat behind your head," I said. She said, "And one on my feet!"
And then in unison, without prompting, we both quoted Psalm 139: "They hem me in, behind and before..."
Yup.
We are both seminary nerds.
Me and my cielo, sitting on the couch studying. I had finished up an hour's worth of Greek study, and was reading an essay on UCC Polity.
My cielo was reading the Bible, for Hebrew Bible: Song of Songs!
Who do you think was having more fun? Actually, both of us, because she kept reading lines out to me until I had to ask her to stop. Otherwise neither one of us would get much actual studying done!
Now I've moved to the computer to read some online stuff on UCC Polity. I looked over at the couch and noticed a cat behind my cielo's head. "Hey, you have a cat behind your head," I said. She said, "And one on my feet!"
And then in unison, without prompting, we both quoted Psalm 139: "They hem me in, behind and before..."
Yup.
We are both seminary nerds.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Post-Quarter Crash Mode
(Originally posted June, 2007).
Some of my seminary buddies and I talk about the slump we feel when the quarter is over -- after ten weeks of rushrushrush, writewritewrite, processprocessprocess (if you can), thinkthinkthink, there is this quite discernible collapse for several days after the quarter is done. Part of it, I think, is just physical exhaustion. But it's also intellectual and emotional exhaustion. Not one. more. drop. of thought can be squeezed out of my little brain.
And so we tend to sort of fall into a heap. I, at least, tend to huddle on the couch for a few days watching baseball and bad sitcoms until I snap out of it. The first couple of times this happened, it scared me (and my cielo) a little, because my mood and intertia are eerily like depression. But then I started asking friends, "Does something like this happen to you?" And indeed, I was not alone.
So, I feel heap-like today. But, can't quite huddle up on the couch to ride it out. Responsibilities call, right? So here I am at the church, getting ready to work on the bulletin and start sermon prep. But it's nice to know that when I go home, there is NOTHING I HAVE TO DO.
OK, I need to do a little house-cleaning, but I don't have to study or write or exert in any way the tired, squishy matter in my skull. I can go for a guilt-free walk with my cielo, watch the novela, putter about, read novels. Nice. Ahh. Yeah, I have a sermon to write, but that's ALL I have to write!
On another note -- HappyChurch is still HappyChurch. Had a great Celtic-themed liturgy yesterday, with two of my profs. also officiating (one to preach for me, whew!) to celebrate Trinity Sunday, which was well-received. I've been talking with the church moderators about the uncontent little old lady and I have to say, I am very impressed with their non-anxious approach to leadership. They did a little "field research" and it turns out the one lady is not the only one who is questioning the changes (they do seem to all be of that generation, though). But rather than try to demonize them, the moderators said, "Huh. This is *our* (as in, the church leaders') fault. We didn't do our homework before jumping into these changes. What a great opportunity for everybody to be educated." They get that I am really just a convenient target, and they don't want me to change.
I mean, you could have tipped me over with a fingerpoke. Does this really happen? Healthy church conflict management?
So, the plan is to remind folks who might express "concern" that the church is simply trying to live out its (very incredible, very inclusive) mission statement, that if there are concerns to please talk to the church leaders. And I'm going to develop a course on immigration for the fall that will address some of the questions. Because, the thing is, everybody here, not just the anxious little old ladies, need to know more about what is going on -- the economic and political realities, etc. -- and so the whole church will get educated. That was the moderators' idea, not just mine.
I have old, deep wounds about church conflict. My dad served two churches, and they both chewed him up and spit him out -- the second church in a particularly nasty manner. Being a preacher's kid in those contexts is so, so hard. Who to trust? Who to believe? Why is this person being so nice to my face when I know they're screwing over my dad in session meetings? Ugh.
So my first response if I get even a whiff of church conflict is to go into paranoid mode. This is it, here we go, it's gonna be bad, I'm gonna get hurt...A few years ago I realized how deep those wounds are and how truly unhelpful those reactions are -- constantly wary, constantly suspicious, and that is no way to be a loving, non-anxious leader. But still, it was hard to trust that there was another alternative.
And, it is still hard to trust. I want to believe that my sense that this is a healthy church is true. That the church leadership not only has *my* back, but -- more importantly -- has the church's back as well (because this is not really about me at all, of course).
And I know that I am a different person, now, too, than even a few years ago. I'm the one at school trying to model and advocate for non-anxious and loving leadership (among student leaders and trying to hold admin. and faculty accountable, too). There's been a shift in me.
That paranoid mode is still there. And maybe that's good, to an extent, in the sense that it keeps me from being too naive, keeps my eyes open. But the question is, can I override my paranoia with trust? Is this an opportunity to heal old, deep wounds?
Pray with me that it may be so.
Unexpected Delight
(Originally posted May, 2007).
I'm hiding out in a coffee shop enjoying a bit of "anonymous time..."
I sure was melancholy in this space last week (i.e. here and here). I'm still in a quiet, tender interior space, sorting things out, wrestling with questions about faith and theology and Christology...so much reading in the history of antisemitism in the church should provoke wrestling questions, and that doesn't surprise me; that's what I signed up for, after all.
Nevertheless, trying to reformulate my own theology in such a way that no one suffers for it -- what Rosemary Radford Ruether calls "peace without victims" -- is hard and tiring work. It is necessary work that requires one's heart to be broken, and I'm thankful for the opportunity. Perhaps that sounds strange but I believe it to be so.
In the midst of all this, one of the things I am coming to recognize is that in the whirlwind there is a centered place of gratitude, gratitude for the unexpected delights of my life.
**My cielo, of course, is always a delight. She surprised me this week with her tears of thankfulness for my life, for the fact of my life and my living. It was touch and go there for a few months several years ago. I am moved by her.
**HappyChurch continues to be a wonderful place to be. After the benediction I always walk to the back of the sanctuary to greet people as they head out; today, as the choir sang the -- what's the opposite of an introit? an extroit? hmm -- I looked over the congregation and up at the choir and was almost overwhelmed with, well, happiness. I haven't been with them long, and I already love them. I do. And they receive me with such delight -- about which the less-secure part of me wonders why? -- and I am thankful to be with them. I was not expecting at all to be asked to pastor any church, much less HappyChurch, right now, but this is truly a gift.
**My favorite prof., who, even in the midst of her busy life, took time with me last week to listen to me rather inarticulately try to express my pain and confusion and struggle about what we are learning in her class (she's guiding us through the antisemitism history) and the implications it has on all that we do (see above). Even though my head felt like it was about to split down the middle from the headache I had, I could see that she cared very much about what I was fumbling to say. Let grace abound, indeed.
**A new friendship emerging, totally unexpected -- I will call her, for now, CoolPastor (I hope she likes the nickname). Unexpected, and a joy. I am so thankful.
I try to put into words what these folks (and others -- BuddyJ, TheologyBabe, SL, others) mean to me but there is something in all of it that goes beyond words. I can only scarcely describe what it means to have this touchstone of gratitude centered in my heart.
...Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion...
(T.S. Eliot, from "East Coker V", from The Four Quartets)
What Is My Problem?
(Originally posted May, 2007).
I should have been done with this paper hours ago. It's not even very hard, just a simple exegesis paper on the use of the verb "to love" in Deuteronomy. Not. Hard.
But I am so distracted. Check this, check that, play with the cats, check the baseball scores, get up and wander around, play solitaire on the computer, check something else, stretch, check the baseball scores again. I feel restless and perturbed -- unsettled -- and I've probably had too much coffee and I just want to finish this and go to bed.
Why is this so hard?
Saturday, June 30, 2007
To Do List
(Originally posted March, 2007).
By April 1:
By April 1:
Done:
-Reflection Paper for "Praying for Peace and Justice" class. Due Tuesday.
-UCC History Project. Due Tuesday.
To do:
Classwork:
-UCC Historical Theme paper. Due Tuesday.
-Early Christian History Take-home Final (3 essay questions). Due Thursday.
-Hebrew Quiz on Monday: vocab and conjunctions.
-Hebrew Final on Thursday: cumulative vocab and 70kazillion verb forms.
Schoolstuff:
-Chair Meeting Monday morning of Social Action Committee, to plan:
-Iraq War Anniversary vigil on Friday.
-Meeting with my favorite prof. Wednesday morning. About the only thing I'm looking forward to next week, besides the fact that the quarter will finally be OVER.
-Vision meeting at school Saturday morning (Mr. President, you couldn't think of a better time to meet than the first Saturday of Spring Break???).
Other:
-Bulletin, sermon and presentation for my home church in Portland, where I'm preaching on Mar. 25th.
-Yay, we get to go to Portland!!!
-Meetings with local UCC church that wants me to intern for them this summer while their pastor is on sabbatical. Whoa.
-Finish "60/40" essay for school so they'll let me register again.
-Finish UCC scholarship application and mail it off.
-Do taxes.
-File financial aid paperwork (thank God it's online and easy).
Did I forget anything? God, I hope not.
And yes, I realize that blogging "to do" lists is not on my "to do" list. Neither is playing hand after hand of "Spider Solitaire" trying to come up with something clever to say in my UCC theme paper. What's your point?
Hey Y'all
(Originally posted November, 2006).
Whew, what a quarter! Finished up, exhausted, a week ago today. I had two finals last Tuesday, one in Hebrew and one in Hebrew Bible. Turned in a 17-page paper for Romans 5 days before that. The Hebrew final was a breeze...I am averaging about 105% in that class. It's a little hard to tell if I'm just good at it, or the quizzes are easy...I think it's a little of both.
Now, the Bible final was two solid hours of writing. 8 scripture IDs, 8 Map IDs, 14 short answer (from a list of about 125 terms), and 2 in-class essays (from a list of six possible questions). My arm is still sore from writing, but I think I did well. The mid-term was exactly the same, except the essays were take-home (my preference, but oh well). The prof. really wants "liberal" Christians to know their Bible, and if you don't after this class, well, you just weren't trying very hard. A great, tough, class.
Thanksgiving was lovely. We had a huge meal with TheologyBabe and her gal...so much food for four people! Yikes. But we had a great time cooking together, eating, and playing with their puppy.
Since winter break started, I've been catching up on my sleep and getting ready to go to Mexico (I leave on Thursday). Iliff is sponsoring a 10-day immersion course in Cuernavaca as a liberation-theology based "ethical praxis" -- that is, understanding ethics and theology in a "third-world" (a phrase I hate, actually) context. A friend of mine told me that I could teach the class, but I'm just happy to get back to Latin America after a long (too long) hiatus. The itinerary is incredible: We'll be meeting with university professors, community and church leaders, Zapatistas, and indigenous leaders to discuss economics, immigration, globalization, gender issues, politics, and more. We'll be visiting community co-ops, indigenous communities, and ruins, and we'll go to mass at the Basilica of La Virgen de Guadalupe. All in 10 fun-filled days! I'm so excited.
We've also been catching up on our movie-watching. We've seen three in three days, and I can recommend them all: The Queen (Helen Mirren for an Oscar, you wait and see); Stranger Than Fiction (Will Ferrell being very un-Will Farrell, and Emma Thompson [really, what more do you need than Emma?]); and Shut Up and Sing, a documentary about the Dixie Chicks and the fallout from Natalie Maines' "I'm embarrassed Bush is from Texas" remark in 2003 -- great music, greatly embarrassing examples of American stupidity, and great courage. After you see it, go buy the album -- give them your support, y'all! They need it, and they deserve it.
Well, I guess that's all the news from Sunshine City...y'all be good while I'm in Mexico, okay?
Friday, June 29, 2007
Where'd She Go?
(Originally posted June, 2006).
Wow, has it really been that long since I've posted something?
Well, here's a quick update on my doings:
I'm making straight A's so far in seminary. Two summer school classes now under my belt but no grades yet for those. Just finished up a great class on heterosexism with Mary Hunt from WATER. Very provocative (the class), and Mary's terrific. I'm loving school and I know this is the right place for me.
Yesterday I did my first memorial service, for a woman I was visiting in the hospice program I volunteered with as part of my basic field education. I was nervous but all went well and the family was very happy. I am very thankful that my first hospice experience was with such a great woman who was ready to die and had made peace with her family, and who just exuded love for family, friends, and life in general. The family was ready for her death as well, as she had just been worn out by the leukemia that killed her at age 48.
Did a little sightseeing last week when Sulia Grace was in town; I particularly loved walking through the Garden of the Gods (Goddesses, we claimed). Got to do a little birding, and the red rocks are incredible.
This weekend will see me working on a paper about the subversive, justice-making work of the Holy Spirit in Christian tradition. Yummy stuff. It shouldn't take too long, though, as it's only 5-7 pages and I already have 1 and 1/2 done. So there will be good time for enjoying the 4th, relaxing, and watching baseball.
How about I post a little something I wrote for my Race, Gender, Class class last quarter. That's up next!
I'll do my best not to be quite so silent...
That Grinding Sound You Hear...
(Originally posted March, 2006).
...is my brain crunching through the last of my final papers.
...is my brain crunching through the last of my final papers.
Yep, the first quarter of my seminary experience is over in two days. Wow! I feel great about things so far, and I'm confident I've done well in my classes. I'm learning a lot, contributing a lot, taking on some leadership...so far, seminary life has been just about everything I'd hoped it would be. I'm loving it!
Now, to finish that paper on Paul...
Towanda Goes To School
(Originally posted January, 2006).
So, I filled my purple book bag with pens and paper, and off I went to school this morning. Today I had orientation all morning and then registration in the afternoon. Bought my books, too -- very exciting! Here is my class schedule:
Monday Night: 1st Year Colloquium/Basic Field Ed.
Tuesday: Justice and Peace Struggles: Confict Transformation
Tues/Thurs: Christianity in Western Europe in the Middle Ages and Intro. to Christian Religious Education
Wednesday Night: Intro to New Testament 1
I'm also taking a for-credit weekend seminar (this weekend) called Justice and Peace for Working Class People, led by Tex Sample.
I'm excited to start classes tomorrow. Well, I've already started with Colloquium, but that is not so much a class as a small group to work on discernment of vocation and call, and to prepare for Field Ed. I will let y'all know how it goes!
All The Way Down
(Originally posted January, 2006).
I bolted myself awake this morning at 5am. I was shaking and could not catch my breath.
I was dreaming that I was dying.
Something like this: Floating around on a raft with some people in a big ocean (as opposed to a small ocean? anyway, you get the point. There's no land anywhere...). Somehow it becomes clear that everyone will die if I don't send the cannon barrel (think large civil war era cannon) to the bottom of the sea. In order to do this, I must ride it down. So of course I will die, but everyone else will be safe.
So, I watch myself climb onto the cannon and drop over the side of the raft. (No comments from the Freudian peanut gallery) Except right here in this part I look like a young Harrison Ford. Go figure.
At this point, I watch myself from far away underwater, sink to the bottom of the ocean. A Discovery-channel-type voice narrates my descent, asking "Will she land on the shelf? Oh, it looks like she'll tip off the shelf and fall to the very bottom, the dark deep where light does not reach..."
At this point I wake myself up. I sit up. I hate dreaming that I'm dying. I walk around the house, get some water, try to calm myself down. Eventually I crawl back into bed, huddle up with cats and scoot as close as I can get to my cielo. "Are you ok?" she says. "I dreamed I was dying," I say. "Pray, then." she says.
I am not sure what to pray so instead I sing myself back to sleep by singing hymns in my head.
Oh God our Help in Ages Past
Our Hope for Years to Come
Our Shelter from the Stormy Blast
And Our Eternal Home.
When I woke up again, I felt better, and began thinking about what this dream might mean. As I was showering (I don't know about you, but I think great thoughts in the shower), it came to me that perhaps it is not so much me that had to die, but my old self. The old me who was too scared in college to enjoy school and such very much. The old me who was depressed and anxious. The old me who would not (or could not?) speak up in class. The old me who doubted my worth and my gifts and my voice.
Besides being one step closer to discerning my calling by starting seminary, I think this opportunity gives me a chance to start anew, to redeem some of my mistakes and fear from my past.
So I am determined to live into my new-found self, the one I have struggled so hard to find. The old, scared me can sink to the bottom of the ocean, and become food for the fishies. I shall live into my wonderfulness, my gifted-ness, my voice.
I shall live into my Towanda-ness!
Towanda, The Amazing Amazon Woman, Righter of Wrongs, Queen Beyond Compare!
Thought For A Move...To Seminary
(Originally posted December, 2005. The Merton quote is still incredibly relevant).
Amazing that, God willing and a blizzard don't hit, this time next week at this time we will be in Denver. Maybe we'll have the truck unloaded, too! It's a crazy time, and you'll forgive the sporadic posting...soon the computer will have to go into a box, too, you know! Emotions are all over the map, joy and grief all mixed together. What I do konw is that God is present in all of it. Truly the grief is a gift, to let us know that we loved and were loved, here, in this soggy, dark place called Portland.
Amazing that, God willing and a blizzard don't hit, this time next week at this time we will be in Denver. Maybe we'll have the truck unloaded, too! It's a crazy time, and you'll forgive the sporadic posting...soon the computer will have to go into a box, too, you know! Emotions are all over the map, joy and grief all mixed together. What I do konw is that God is present in all of it. Truly the grief is a gift, to let us know that we loved and were loved, here, in this soggy, dark place called Portland.
I ran across this prayer by Thomas Merton while filing, and it seemed most appropriate. I share it with you.
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
from "Thoughts in Solitude"
In-Care, Under-Care, Over-Care...Self-Care!
(Originally posted September, 2005).
My cielo and I are taking what we lovingly refer to as a "mental-health" day. As opposed to a "sick day", we are actually physically ok but worn out by the goings-on of the last few weeks.
First was my cielo finally being sworn in as a citizen on Sept. 1, an event which was preceded by two weeks of intense stress as the day of the interview and test approached. Of course that night we partied with friends, accompanied by the Oregon Symphony, in concert by the river, complete with the 1812 Overture, cannons, fireworks, and tequila shots included.
The next weekend we were off to Denver to visit Iliff, my new school where I'll be starting seminary in January. They were having fall orientation, so I got to meet my new classmates, professors, and staff. I met with my advisor, and we were able to be there for convocation. We also visited a VERY cool UCC church we are interested in attending once we move there. Everywhere we went we were welcomed warmly and openly, and we are thrilled to be moving there and excited about all the possibilities. The area is gorgeous, with plenty of sun.
Of course those 4-5 days in Denver were an emotional roller-coaster. I got up the first morning and threw up, I was so nervous (this is very much NOT like me, and it startled me a little). We are excited about moving to Denver and I am certain that this is the right step for me in terms of my calling and vocation, but nevertheless there's that little voice in my head wondering if I can really do it. Add all that to the deep grief of leaving our wonderful community at Bridgeport, and suddenly throwing up seems a perfectly logical response!
We went right back to work the day after we got home, and things are crazy there with staff out sick or on leave, a research project I'm working on, and an upcoming transition from paper charts to Electronic Medical Records, which has people at various levels of freaked-out-ed-ness.
That first day back I also had a wedding rehearsal that evening. Then on Saturday (just two days later), I met with the Central Pacific Conference to be interviewed for starting the in-care process for ordination as a minister. I'm always stressed out by these things, and my cielo says you can see the panic in my face (and she points out this is something I should work on...). But all went well, they laughed and nodded at all the right moments, which I took as a good sign. (And I was right...they said yes!)
From there we went right to the church for the wedding, reception, then home to collapse.
All last week we'd get home from work and I'd just collapse from tiredness. On Thursday and Saturday was our choir retreat, so that was 3 and 4 hours, respectively, of piano-playing straight. My cielo went off to Spokane on Friday with her best friend to help him move stuff back to Portland (he just finished school there), so I slept very poorly on Friday night. Every time the cats would jump off the bed onto the squeeky wood floor, I'd think somebody was trying to break in. (It helps to keep a big ol' baseball bat next to the bed, but only somewhat.)
Sunday afternoon we came come after church and both collapsed from tiredness. We got up, took a walk, had some supper on the way, came home, and fell asleep on the couch watching TV. Monday I was so tired at work, and sore from all the piano-playing, I went to bed early. And still yesterday I was just dragging ass at work, and very pissy. My cielo was feeling about the same, plus she'd strained her back somehow, and finally when we talked in the afternoon I said, "OK, that's it, we are NOT going to work tomorrow. We are going to call in, and sleep till our bodies decide to wake up. We are doing NOTHING tomorrow."
So, here we are. My cielo's been upstairs on the couch watching Ellen reruns on Oxygen, with a warm pack on her sore back, and I am down here catching up with little things and writing this. After a good long sleep, I am already feeling better. It's a beautiful day.
Coming Right Along...
(Originally posted June, 2005)
So, I learned a few days ago that my seminary application is currently being reviewed and I should hear whether I'm in or not by the end of next week. Makes my stomach flip just thinking about it.
I've applied to Iliff, which is in Denver, CO. Besides the seminary experience itself, I'm looking forward to being back in the land of sun again.
Assuming I get in, I would start in January, their winter term. It would be nearly impossible to start by this fall, unless by some miracle we come up with all the financial aid and scholarships and money to move and my cielo gets her citizenship and we get the house packed all done by August. Doesn't seem likely...but you never know.
We went for a long walk last night and talked about the move. I think we are both ready now, although for my cielo it has been a longer process. We realized, though, that we'll be driving the moving van through the Columbia Gorge and around several mountain ranges during the dead of winter. We are gonna start praying now for good weather!
We got out the maps and got oriented, found a Denver map and spent some time looking at it, where the school is, where downtown is, stuff like that.
Exciting times!
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