Monday, May 12, 2008

Sadness Is A Symptom

A wasp has been flying in and out of the house in the last week or so, since we've had the front door open for the nice spring breeze. I had noticed that s/he likes to hover around the upper corner of the doorjamb. I figured s/he was just trying to figure a way out. I would talk to the wasp, tell her/him that inside was not the best place for a wasp to be, and to please go enjoy the outside. I know that we stupid humans make up these stupid rules, but wasps being outside is really better for all involved please.

I thought that worked.

Today I came home in the early afternoon from a meeting with our lawyers, opened the screen door, and up above my head was the wasp, at that same spot on the doorjamb.

The wasp was building a nest.

Well shit.

Wasp, wasp! I thought we had an understanding! Now you are building a nest in the worst possible place, and you don't understand what this means.

The nest was about as big as a thimble.

I waited for the wasp to leave, and I knocked the nest to the ground outside, and ground it under my foot. The nest was as fragile as dust.

I did not feel good about this.

I came in and sprayed cleaning solution on the doorjamb, hoping to kill whatever scent had attracted the wasp.

When we got ready to leave about an hour later, I opened the door, and there was the wasp.

There was the wasp, crawling around the spot where the nest was. I knew, I just knew s/he was screaming (at me), "Where's my nest? Where's my nest? My beautiful little grey paper nest, the sections angled just so...where is my nest?"

I begged the wasp to leave, but s/he wouldn't. S/he just kept circling there, grieving, and then I wondered if s/he was planning a new nest in that same spot.

So I killed the wasp.

And I cried.

And I still feel horribly guilty.

6 comments:

  1. You are so, so beautiful. I love the tenderness in you that would lead you to try to negotiate with a wasp and grieve about killing the wasp. That's a lovely tenderness I don't quite possess but aspire to.

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  2. This is really touching. Poor wasp. Poor you.

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  3. Yes honey, you have such a tender heart. I love you because you care for all creatures "great or small".

    Your cielo

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  4. the only thing to do -- but so sad...

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  5. The recognition and sadness of our own frailty forms the wellspring of forgiveness for self and other. May you be blessed with forgiveness of self as you are held and loved by others.

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