...and I'm just so angry that now I'm like this...anxious and doubtful and can't write a paper without tears, without waves of "what the hell, that's really not such a brilliant idea, who do you think you are, anyway," get all wobbly inside without affirmation or with just silence, feeling it's all come crashing down, I'm not "all that," it was all an illusion, just waiting for the other shoe to drop which yup, it did, see, it always does, I told you so, you really are alone, just when things were getting really good the demonfog descends, that's what I get, what I deserve, somehow, for believing.
Which, I don't really want to believe that's true, that somehow this is some kind of punishment for getting too big for my britches. It's a disease. It's not my fault -- even if I could have done some better self-care, it's not my fault. It doesn't mean I'm not all those things everyone says and that I began to believe were actually true. Even if I can't remember why or what they were right now. Just because the demonfog is there doesn't mean all that other stuff's not true, right? Right?
It just pisses me off. I don't know what to do about it, but it pisses me off.
And yes, that means you, God...
OK, let's try to think of some things I'm thankful for:
- very cool storm clouds over the mountains
- unplanned walk and coffee with TheologyBabe this afternoon
- a good cry
- my cielo holding me and not needing any answers
- a very sweet note to both of us from my mom
- the storm has cooled things down so the house is not hot
- I actually do have an outline in my head for my Kant versus the Calvinists paper (I'm thinking that being near tears trying understand Kant is actually a normal response...what do y'all think? It's not just depression, is it?)
- enthusiastic (as opposed to polite) applause from the congregation yesterday when the moderator announced that I would be staying at HappyChurch to do my internship for the rest of the school year (I'm sure I blushed), and lots of great comments of the same nature after church
- Dodger snuggling in my armpit
- the sunflower that is growing out front, from a seed I planted last year -- and is almost ready to bloom
- vacation starting one week from tomorrow!