Monday, August 6, 2007

Write It Out, Practice Thankfulness

...The thing is, I'm really pissed off with this whole depression thing. See, we moved to Denver and I started seminary and just began to thrive and people thought I was so smart and thoughtful and wise and at first I didn't quite believe them and then I started to believe a little bit, first them and then in myself, just dipping in a toe because what they saw and were telling me about me I had never really experienced before, never experienced that kind of wholeness in the world, firing on all my cylinders and WOW, I can really think and write and be a calming presence in anxious situations and then I really began to believe it, that I was whole and finally healed from years of crap, really over it, beyond it, living into the fullness of who God created me to be, even if I wasn't always quite sure what I was supposed to do with all of it but I could begin to believe it, that I'm smart and capable and loving and have so much to offer...

...and I'm just so angry that now I'm like this...anxious and doubtful and can't write a paper without tears, without waves of "what the hell, that's really not such a brilliant idea, who do you think you are, anyway," get all wobbly inside without affirmation or with just silence, feeling it's all come crashing down, I'm not "all that," it was all an illusion, just waiting for the other shoe to drop which yup, it did, see, it always does, I told you so, you really are alone, just when things were getting really good the demonfog descends, that's what I get, what I deserve, somehow, for believing.

Which, I don't really want to believe that's true, that somehow this is some kind of punishment for getting too big for my britches. It's a disease. It's not my fault -- even if I could have done some better self-care, it's not my fault. It doesn't mean I'm not all those things everyone says and that I began to believe were actually true. Even if I can't remember why or what they were right now. Just because the demonfog is there doesn't mean all that other stuff's not true, right? Right?

It just pisses me off. I don't know what to do about it, but it pisses me off.

And yes, that means you, God...

Gah.

OK, let's try to think of some things I'm thankful for:
  • very cool storm clouds over the mountains
  • unplanned walk and coffee with TheologyBabe this afternoon
  • a good cry
  • my cielo holding me and not needing any answers
  • a very sweet note to both of us from my mom
  • the storm has cooled things down so the house is not hot
  • I actually do have an outline in my head for my Kant versus the Calvinists paper (I'm thinking that being near tears trying understand Kant is actually a normal response...what do y'all think? It's not just depression, is it?)
  • enthusiastic (as opposed to polite) applause from the congregation yesterday when the moderator announced that I would be staying at HappyChurch to do my internship for the rest of the school year (I'm sure I blushed), and lots of great comments of the same nature after church
  • Dodger snuggling in my armpit
  • the sunflower that is growing out front, from a seed I planted last year -- and is almost ready to bloom
  • popsicles
  • vacation starting one week from tomorrow!
I shall do a little breathing now, and eat something healthy. Salvation may not come by works, but healing from depression just might...

3 comments:

  1. hang in there! I'm a fairly new reader to your blog, but it seems like you've got LOTS of great stuff going for you.

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  2. Rant Honey, rant. Rant to God,rant to the demonfog, and remember that you are loved no matter what fog is clouding your wonderful and amazing brain. I also almost cried trying to understand Kant! Why philosophers have to write in codes and not in plain English? or as they say in Guate in Cristiano! I don't know.
    Just keep swimming cielo, just keep swimming. I love you.. and I'm here for you.

    Your cielo

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  3. Yes, the "work" of doing good things for yourself helps a lot. However, sometimes depression can't be licked even by consistently doing the right things. This is why chronic depression is considered a medical condition. So, be gentle with yourself even when "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps" doesn't work.

    I'm glad that you are reaching out and continuing to talk about how you are feeling.

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